27 Dec My Shake Up
Back in 2013 my husband and I had a confrontation. I had done so much personal work to be connected to myself up until then. And my husband and I had an argument about this. He told me how I made him feel unloved, hurt, disappointed, frustrated by me still shutting down at times of intimacy. This rocked my core. My heart cracked and I began to cry. I rarely showed emotion to others or what I really felt, because I thought it was a weak side. So I didn’t even normally show this to him. For the first time I spoke from a very deep core within. My tears streamed down my face as I told him that I was equally upset, angry and frustrated, and had no control over this controlled, shut down part in my life.
I worked so hard at it, yet my shut down still had control over me.
And then I yelled. “Is it better to love or be loved?” I told him that at least he is fortunate enough to feel something.
When I returned home I went to the space that I created just for me – a tiny bungalow. Time to shine light on my shadows. I had to look at aspects of myself and question why I could not be complete. I was still broken. I could attend a funeral and not shed a tear.
While sitting in my silence I began to journey deep within, to the places that I often took my clients, determined to finally get back my broken pieces. I visited my tiny vulnerable self – the one that sat in my shadows. I also visited the strong aspect of myself that I created to protect myself for most of my life.
It was like taking off my blindfold, to see more clearly my complete possibility. After this process was complete I remember sitting in wonder and anticipation if what I had done had actually worked. Guess what, it worked. I began to feel fully. Now that’s another story.
I figured if I could change something that was so strong within me, then I could begin diving deeper to undo and fully find myself. I still asked the question who I really was. I began to consider who I wanted to be. I remember looking at myself in the mirror. When I first did this after so many years I was struck with inner pain, confusion, hurt and vulnerability. It was like a stranger looking back at me.
My new mantra began. “Be who you should have been if nothing ever bad happened to you”. At the time I was so committed to finding the real me, I shed 35 kilos in 6 months. Some of my weight has returned since then however I have never lost who I really am.
My husband who had always lived in his heart, then shut down and began to live in his head. So when I became integrated with my heart, he was like the way I used to be and I’ve tried so hard not to be. I ended up reaching another breaking point, leaving only a note, I had to step out of my life – leaving. I will tell you a little about that later.
I was willing to give up everything to go and finish what I started. I had to be who I should have been if nothing had ever been broken.
I realized a few things.
We are all made up of aspects and these make up our identity. I gained the understanding that when you discover all your parts, aspects – you could then change them. I found that you could change these in many ways. This realization became transformational when I found I could change who I had become.
“Who was I and who did I want to be.” This gave me an opportunity to grow and be all that I was meant to be.
I know that we are all the same. We are moulded through our lives, based on our life events, depending on how we have been treated for survival, how we act to fit in and many other ways.
I am really excited to share with you the big realization that I had about connections – particularly connections to self. Imagine experiencing freedom from your past. My vision is a world where everyone lives with a complete belonging and acceptance of self. Unlearn what once limited you. Experience freedom from your past. Who would like to feel connected to themselves? Have you ever felt disconnected or limited in any way? Have you experienced a feeling of being disconnected from your life and who you really are? You know that you are the person you are today because of what your life has been like until now.
Think about all the external factors in your life: your parents, religion, community, your friends and peers, your spouse, your schools – everything external to you has an impact on who you become.
I had a client come to me with many limits in her life. Her mother was a harsh nasty woman that spent many years putting my client down. She called her ugly and fat often. This client had accomplished many great things in her life but underneath everything she had achieved, she still felt fat and ugly, although she really was very beautiful. However Mary told me: ‘Rosie, I don’t have any “important trauma in my life”, it was “just” that my mother put me down all the time. I don’t think I qualify for clearing.’ So I said to Mary: it’s not “just” that. When we are kids even something that seems so “small” can have long-term effects that we need to change. You don’t have to have an “important traumatic event” to have things to clear. You see everything affects us in different ways.
Here are some examples of things that may happen that can have an effect on whom you become.
- Being told you are not a good student at school. (I was told I was not a good student, and avoided reading and writing for most of my life)
- Being told you do not look like ALL the others (Imagine how this could set you up for many years of body issues – leaving you with low self-esteem, low self-worth – like my client I just spoke of)
- You could be told that you can’t do something well. (I remember having my teddy snatched from me. I had played with my friend daily. I loved this teddy. He was dirty, I had washed him in our pool and was trying to dry him by a big bon fire on a vacant block next to our home. My father snatched my teddy and threw him into the fire saying “you do not know how to look after anything”. Once my own children were born I had a belief that I did not know how to look after them. It had stemmed from this statement said to me as a child. I worked at reversing this.
By Rosie Banyan